Jist lik Jack when he selt his coo fir magic beans,
Ma man comes haim wearin the biggest grin ah’d e’er seen.
An fae his pooch he brings oot this wee cute white baa o fur.
Well, ah wis pure bealin.
An ah says, are you tellin me thit that’s whit ye got,
Fir artexing big Wendy’s ceiling?
He says “mon hen, don’t be like that, pair wee hing wis the runt o the litter”.
An fae then oan ah wis stuck wi this big gawky, peely wally pot licker.
Swipperly, the peckin order wis set.
She lay on the couch.
She slept in the bed.
She sat on his knee.
He aye left her a wee drap o his tea.
She barked at ma progammes on the telly.
Her farts wir smelly.
She wid lie on her back
An he wid rub her belly.
She wis prone tae the skitter.
That big, gawky peely wally pot licker.
He taen her everywhir.
Tae the bookies an the pub.
He tied her up ootside the shop,
She sat aside him on the bus.
She licked his face.
She licked him on the lips.
He gave her bits o tattie
When he wis pairin chips.
She wid run away.
He wid run eftir her
But she wis ayeways quicker.
That big gawky peely wally pot licker.
Her hair wis on the carpet,
Her hair wis on ma claes.
Her hair wis on the couch.
Ah’d tae hoover twice a day.
Ma shag pile rug was nice an thick.
But the layer o dug hair thicker.
Aw because o that big gawky peely wally pot licker.
She wid sit an gie paws.
But she widnae chase sticks or run eftir baws.
She could run lik the clappers.
But she didnae like the watter.
Her collar she could loosen.
She wid sometimes hump a cushion.
She got caught,
By Andra Mair’s dug, Couter.
Ma man wis that hairt broken.
He went oot an got blootert.
But then, he chynged his mind.
Eftir aa, he wis gauntae be a grampa.
An me, ah wis jist tae be the baby sitter.
Fir that big, gawky peely wally pot licker.
Yin nicht, beside the tumble dryer,
She gied birth tae fower wee pups,
Wee mewing bundles,
Twae bitches an twae dugs.
Ma man wis that prood, thir wis tears in his een.
He luiked at her as if she wis the brawest hing he’d ever seen.
Well granny, he says tae me, wi a cheeky snigger,
“whit wan will we keep?”
And, eftir that, ah hud twae big, gawky peely wally pot lickers.